Any advice about a “last visit”?

This topic has 21 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 11 months ago by POW.

Post

- February 21, 2013 at 1:23 pm
- Quote
POW
Participant
My brother's melanoma has spread all over his body, including his brain. There are no more treatments his doctors can offer him. He is now in a nursing home in Tampa and I am going to visit him for a couple of days (I live in Atlanta). His nurses say that he is very weak and needs assistance to walk, but he is not in pain and he is mentally alert and well-oriented.

My brother's melanoma has spread all over his body, including his brain. There are no more treatments his doctors can offer him. He is now in a nursing home in Tampa and I am going to visit him for a couple of days (I live in Atlanta). His nurses say that he is very weak and needs assistance to walk, but he is not in pain and he is mentally alert and well-oriented.

This will probably be my last visit with him– at least my last visit while he is still able to recognize people and communicate. If you were the patient, how would you like this visit to go? I assume that he will tire easily so I will probably visit for an hour or two in the morning, leave him to rest and sleep for a while, and then come back later in the day for another hour or two. If he's up to it, perhaps I can borrow a wheelchair and take him to visit his beloved sailboat. Or go out to lunch. Most of the time I intend to just hang out with him, maybe watch some television or fix his laptop (he can't get the wifi to work) or remenisce about our old sailing adventures or the hard-nosed nuns at our parochial school. Or just sit quietly and read a book while he dozes.

I guess my concern is whether I should bring up any discussion about the end of life. My brother is a very self-contained man and seldom talks about his feelings about anything. He has never said anything about his emotional reaction to his impending death. (Other than to say, "What will be, will be.") I know he believes in God and an afterlife, but he is not a church-goer. Should I ask him if he wants to talk to a priest? Or a hospice counselor? Or should I just leave him be?

Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

Viewing 11 reply threads

Replies

- - February 21, 2013 at 2:46 pm
  - Quote
  Colleen66
  Participant
  Hi POW,
  
  My thoughts are with you as you visit your brother.
  
  Last year I sat with my lifelong friend Mary for many hours. She had brain cancer and was on the verge of losing her mental capacity. There was time that we just sat close and didn't speak, times when we talked about our funny antics at our work place. Other times she would talk about what she would miss, her very young grandchildren, but was so happy to have them before she died. At times she was ready for it all to be done. At times she was truly angry with God. Sometimes she cried on my shoulder and at times I cried on hers.
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you can prepare for this. Emotions will run the gammit and opportunities may arise for you to inquire about certain things but then maybe not. I always let her set the pace and took my cues off of what she was talking about, or not, talking about. I do believe you need to be transparent with your emotions and dont mince words. He will know.
  
  Please prepare yourself to be physically and mentally exhausted thru this and take care of you too.
  
  I hope this kind of makes sense to you. I'm still real shaken when talking about my friend. She died within two weeks of our last visit. It's been a year ago now. I also made sure she knew what an impact she had in my life.
  
  Hugs to you.
  
  Colleen
- - February 21, 2013 at 2:46 pm
  - Quote
  Colleen66
  Participant
  Hi POW,
  
  My thoughts are with you as you visit your brother.
  
  Last year I sat with my lifelong friend Mary for many hours. She had brain cancer and was on the verge of losing her mental capacity. There was time that we just sat close and didn't speak, times when we talked about our funny antics at our work place. Other times she would talk about what she would miss, her very young grandchildren, but was so happy to have them before she died. At times she was ready for it all to be done. At times she was truly angry with God. Sometimes she cried on my shoulder and at times I cried on hers.
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you can prepare for this. Emotions will run the gammit and opportunities may arise for you to inquire about certain things but then maybe not. I always let her set the pace and took my cues off of what she was talking about, or not, talking about. I do believe you need to be transparent with your emotions and dont mince words. He will know.
  
  Please prepare yourself to be physically and mentally exhausted thru this and take care of you too.
  
  I hope this kind of makes sense to you. I'm still real shaken when talking about my friend. She died within two weeks of our last visit. It's been a year ago now. I also made sure she knew what an impact she had in my life.
  
  Hugs to you.
  
  Colleen
- - February 21, 2013 at 2:46 pm
  - Quote
  Colleen66
  Participant
  Hi POW,
  
  My thoughts are with you as you visit your brother.
  
  Last year I sat with my lifelong friend Mary for many hours. She had brain cancer and was on the verge of losing her mental capacity. There was time that we just sat close and didn't speak, times when we talked about our funny antics at our work place. Other times she would talk about what she would miss, her very young grandchildren, but was so happy to have them before she died. At times she was ready for it all to be done. At times she was truly angry with God. Sometimes she cried on my shoulder and at times I cried on hers.
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you can prepare for this. Emotions will run the gammit and opportunities may arise for you to inquire about certain things but then maybe not. I always let her set the pace and took my cues off of what she was talking about, or not, talking about. I do believe you need to be transparent with your emotions and dont mince words. He will know.
  
  Please prepare yourself to be physically and mentally exhausted thru this and take care of you too.
  
  I hope this kind of makes sense to you. I'm still real shaken when talking about my friend. She died within two weeks of our last visit. It's been a year ago now. I also made sure she knew what an impact she had in my life.
  
  Hugs to you.
  
  Colleen
  - February 21, 2013 at 4:58 pm
    
    Quote
    POW
    Participant
    
    Thanks, Colleen, that helps a lot. The way you handled your visit with your friend sounds very warm and kind and natural. I will try to follow your lead especially about letting my brother set the pace. However, I am going to make sure I tell him at least once how much I value and appreciate him, even if he does hate the "mushy stuff".
    
    You know, I continue to learn more and more about life and about people as I go through this experience. Most recently, I have learned that a lot of people are reluctant to visit near the end because they "don't know what to say". They don't want to talk about their sorrow for fear of depressing the sick person, but it's hard to get your head into a place where you can laugh and joke around, either. Even my mother and my sister feel that way. But I figure that my brother is just the same person he was a year ago or 10 years ago. He doesn't talk much, but he does like to hang out and be companionable. Maybe watch a DVD together. He likes to go out for a beer and talk sailing once in a while, which I hope we get to do, even if its BYOB in the nursing home. And he is used to me taking over his life when I visit and prodding (nagging?) him to finally fix his car or his boat or his computer or whatever he has been procrastinating about fixing lately (it's always something). So I expect I'll do that, too.
    
    Having read your advice and written the paragraph above, my thinking has clarified a little. I guess I will just be me and expect my brother to just be my brother. But I will let him set the pace. Thanks again!
  - February 21, 2013 at 4:58 pm
    
    Quote
    POW
    Participant
    
    Thanks, Colleen, that helps a lot. The way you handled your visit with your friend sounds very warm and kind and natural. I will try to follow your lead especially about letting my brother set the pace. However, I am going to make sure I tell him at least once how much I value and appreciate him, even if he does hate the "mushy stuff".
    
    You know, I continue to learn more and more about life and about people as I go through this experience. Most recently, I have learned that a lot of people are reluctant to visit near the end because they "don't know what to say". They don't want to talk about their sorrow for fear of depressing the sick person, but it's hard to get your head into a place where you can laugh and joke around, either. Even my mother and my sister feel that way. But I figure that my brother is just the same person he was a year ago or 10 years ago. He doesn't talk much, but he does like to hang out and be companionable. Maybe watch a DVD together. He likes to go out for a beer and talk sailing once in a while, which I hope we get to do, even if its BYOB in the nursing home. And he is used to me taking over his life when I visit and prodding (nagging?) him to finally fix his car or his boat or his computer or whatever he has been procrastinating about fixing lately (it's always something). So I expect I'll do that, too.
    
    Having read your advice and written the paragraph above, my thinking has clarified a little. I guess I will just be me and expect my brother to just be my brother. But I will let him set the pace. Thanks again!
  - February 21, 2013 at 4:58 pm
    
    Quote
    POW
    Participant
    
    Thanks, Colleen, that helps a lot. The way you handled your visit with your friend sounds very warm and kind and natural. I will try to follow your lead especially about letting my brother set the pace. However, I am going to make sure I tell him at least once how much I value and appreciate him, even if he does hate the "mushy stuff".
    
    You know, I continue to learn more and more about life and about people as I go through this experience. Most recently, I have learned that a lot of people are reluctant to visit near the end because they "don't know what to say". They don't want to talk about their sorrow for fear of depressing the sick person, but it's hard to get your head into a place where you can laugh and joke around, either. Even my mother and my sister feel that way. But I figure that my brother is just the same person he was a year ago or 10 years ago. He doesn't talk much, but he does like to hang out and be companionable. Maybe watch a DVD together. He likes to go out for a beer and talk sailing once in a while, which I hope we get to do, even if its BYOB in the nursing home. And he is used to me taking over his life when I visit and prodding (nagging?) him to finally fix his car or his boat or his computer or whatever he has been procrastinating about fixing lately (it's always something). So I expect I'll do that, too.
    
    Having read your advice and written the paragraph above, my thinking has clarified a little. I guess I will just be me and expect my brother to just be my brother. But I will let him set the pace. Thanks again!
  - February 21, 2013 at 7:44 pm
    
    Quote
    susanr
    Participant
    
    POW,
    
    I have just recently returned to this forum. You may not know me but I do remember some of your kind posts to my experience with my brother. I was 'MIA on this forum for awhile. I lost my brother on 12/6/2012. He was only 45.
    
    I had so many well wishes and emails to keep in touch and I feel that I can't shelter staying away because of my pain losing my brother. I have read many of your posts. I can definately relate to you. I did not live in the same state as my brother. He lived in NYC and I was a short distance in NJ. I visited him every week when I went to work. I made that a priority. I can tell you, it is so true that you need to let them direct the converstion. I am in the medical field and can say from working in the medical field and livivng this personally, patients on hospice or are terminal feel people/family don't listen or let them speak. I always let my brother direct the talk..many times he was mad, uncomfortable, or just not up to talking and then we would just sit in bed watching TV. I would push a little to get info from him but I knew when to stop. If he wanted something…I got it or did it…even if everyone else said no…you should not have that….remember what the doctor said, etc. Remember, cancer patients feel they don't have control anymore because the cancer is controlling them, so they try some other way to seek control. There were times when I went to visit him that It may be our last visit. I was always dreading picking up the phone from my family..wondering what now !!!! I made the last few visits special like they were the last. He was improving 2 mths befroe he died and then 1 mth before he went down hill fast. The last visit we had was very special. Despite that he was very weak, we had some laughs, watched TV. and I was able to tell him I loved him. Let me tell you, If I said that twice in our life times that was a lot. I almost did not visit him that day but had it in my gut to go and visit…and I am glad I did. I am glad he died in his sleep and knew that I tried everything that he wanted me to do. My faith has been tested and not much of a believer in failth but I can say it was comforting that it ended this way. I can say go see your brother and do what he wants……even if he wants no conversation, or just wants you to just sit there…….I felt like I was walking on eggshells with my brother sometimes…his mood changed everyday. He may be unpleasent..just lick your wounds and move on to the next topic or take a break and return. Just try and make him comfortable and ask "what can I do". I would also ask my brother…if he wanted me to leave…99% of the time it was no but just to keep quiet and watch TV. I hope this helped you and wish you a comforting visit. Keep us posted.
  - February 21, 2013 at 7:44 pm
    
    Quote
    susanr
    Participant
    
    POW,
    
    I have just recently returned to this forum. You may not know me but I do remember some of your kind posts to my experience with my brother. I was 'MIA on this forum for awhile. I lost my brother on 12/6/2012. He was only 45.
    
    I had so many well wishes and emails to keep in touch and I feel that I can't shelter staying away because of my pain losing my brother. I have read many of your posts. I can definately relate to you. I did not live in the same state as my brother. He lived in NYC and I was a short distance in NJ. I visited him every week when I went to work. I made that a priority. I can tell you, it is so true that you need to let them direct the converstion. I am in the medical field and can say from working in the medical field and livivng this personally, patients on hospice or are terminal feel people/family don't listen or let them speak. I always let my brother direct the talk..many times he was mad, uncomfortable, or just not up to talking and then we would just sit in bed watching TV. I would push a little to get info from him but I knew when to stop. If he wanted something…I got it or did it…even if everyone else said no…you should not have that….remember what the doctor said, etc. Remember, cancer patients feel they don't have control anymore because the cancer is controlling them, so they try some other way to seek control. There were times when I went to visit him that It may be our last visit. I was always dreading picking up the phone from my family..wondering what now !!!! I made the last few visits special like they were the last. He was improving 2 mths befroe he died and then 1 mth before he went down hill fast. The last visit we had was very special. Despite that he was very weak, we had some laughs, watched TV. and I was able to tell him I loved him. Let me tell you, If I said that twice in our life times that was a lot. I almost did not visit him that day but had it in my gut to go and visit…and I am glad I did. I am glad he died in his sleep and knew that I tried everything that he wanted me to do. My faith has been tested and not much of a believer in failth but I can say it was comforting that it ended this way. I can say go see your brother and do what he wants……even if he wants no conversation, or just wants you to just sit there…….I felt like I was walking on eggshells with my brother sometimes…his mood changed everyday. He may be unpleasent..just lick your wounds and move on to the next topic or take a break and return. Just try and make him comfortable and ask "what can I do". I would also ask my brother…if he wanted me to leave…99% of the time it was no but just to keep quiet and watch TV. I hope this helped you and wish you a comforting visit. Keep us posted.
  - February 21, 2013 at 7:44 pm
    
    Quote
    susanr
    Participant
    
    POW,
    
    I have just recently returned to this forum. You may not know me but I do remember some of your kind posts to my experience with my brother. I was 'MIA on this forum for awhile. I lost my brother on 12/6/2012. He was only 45.
    
    I had so many well wishes and emails to keep in touch and I feel that I can't shelter staying away because of my pain losing my brother. I have read many of your posts. I can definately relate to you. I did not live in the same state as my brother. He lived in NYC and I was a short distance in NJ. I visited him every week when I went to work. I made that a priority. I can tell you, it is so true that you need to let them direct the converstion. I am in the medical field and can say from working in the medical field and livivng this personally, patients on hospice or are terminal feel people/family don't listen or let them speak. I always let my brother direct the talk..many times he was mad, uncomfortable, or just not up to talking and then we would just sit in bed watching TV. I would push a little to get info from him but I knew when to stop. If he wanted something…I got it or did it…even if everyone else said no…you should not have that….remember what the doctor said, etc. Remember, cancer patients feel they don't have control anymore because the cancer is controlling them, so they try some other way to seek control. There were times when I went to visit him that It may be our last visit. I was always dreading picking up the phone from my family..wondering what now !!!! I made the last few visits special like they were the last. He was improving 2 mths befroe he died and then 1 mth before he went down hill fast. The last visit we had was very special. Despite that he was very weak, we had some laughs, watched TV. and I was able to tell him I loved him. Let me tell you, If I said that twice in our life times that was a lot. I almost did not visit him that day but had it in my gut to go and visit…and I am glad I did. I am glad he died in his sleep and knew that I tried everything that he wanted me to do. My faith has been tested and not much of a believer in failth but I can say it was comforting that it ended this way. I can say go see your brother and do what he wants……even if he wants no conversation, or just wants you to just sit there…….I felt like I was walking on eggshells with my brother sometimes…his mood changed everyday. He may be unpleasent..just lick your wounds and move on to the next topic or take a break and return. Just try and make him comfortable and ask "what can I do". I would also ask my brother…if he wanted me to leave…99% of the time it was no but just to keep quiet and watch TV. I hope this helped you and wish you a comforting visit. Keep us posted.
- - February 22, 2013 at 12:28 am
  - Quote
  BillMFl
  Participant
  The weather is beautiful in Tampa right now. I would simply ask him if he would like to go outside for a bit. He has had a lot of time to mull his fate. As a volunteer at Moffit I always allowed the patient to lead the conversation. I would be supportive but other than the initial greeting I would let them bring up what was on their mind and then respond appropriately. Each person was different, but most long term patients had already reached acceptence and were often stronger in a way than their family members. If he is receiving strong pain meds don't be surprised if he is very quiet. I am also a long term boater both power and sail, and that probably contributed to my own condition. So once again, just be low key and supportive and don't feel required to carry the conversation. Keep it light but not superficial. The important thing is you will be there for him.
- - February 22, 2013 at 12:28 am
  - Quote
  BillMFl
  Participant
  The weather is beautiful in Tampa right now. I would simply ask him if he would like to go outside for a bit. He has had a lot of time to mull his fate. As a volunteer at Moffit I always allowed the patient to lead the conversation. I would be supportive but other than the initial greeting I would let them bring up what was on their mind and then respond appropriately. Each person was different, but most long term patients had already reached acceptence and were often stronger in a way than their family members. If he is receiving strong pain meds don't be surprised if he is very quiet. I am also a long term boater both power and sail, and that probably contributed to my own condition. So once again, just be low key and supportive and don't feel required to carry the conversation. Keep it light but not superficial. The important thing is you will be there for him.
- - February 22, 2013 at 12:28 am
  - Quote
  BillMFl
  Participant
  The weather is beautiful in Tampa right now. I would simply ask him if he would like to go outside for a bit. He has had a lot of time to mull his fate. As a volunteer at Moffit I always allowed the patient to lead the conversation. I would be supportive but other than the initial greeting I would let them bring up what was on their mind and then respond appropriately. Each person was different, but most long term patients had already reached acceptence and were often stronger in a way than their family members. If he is receiving strong pain meds don't be surprised if he is very quiet. I am also a long term boater both power and sail, and that probably contributed to my own condition. So once again, just be low key and supportive and don't feel required to carry the conversation. Keep it light but not superficial. The important thing is you will be there for him.
  - February 22, 2013 at 12:47 am
    
    Quote
    NYKaren
    Participant
    
    Dear POW,
    I have no advice or suggestions, just wanted to say that I am truly awed by these thoughtful responses. My thoughts are with you.
    Karen
  - February 22, 2013 at 12:47 am
    
    Quote
    NYKaren
    Participant
    
    Dear POW,
    I have no advice or suggestions, just wanted to say that I am truly awed by these thoughtful responses. My thoughts are with you.
    Karen
  - February 22, 2013 at 12:47 am
    
    Quote
    NYKaren
    Participant
    
    Dear POW,
    I have no advice or suggestions, just wanted to say that I am truly awed by these thoughtful responses. My thoughts are with you.
    Karen
- - February 24, 2013 at 5:06 pm
  - Quote
  buffcody
  Participant
  Hi POW,
  
  I have been off forum pretty much for a while and just saw this post of yours. One thought that struck me as I read this. Have you seen the great book by Cardinal Joseph Bernardin written in the last two months of his life as he was dying of pancreatic cancer, "The Gift of Peace"? Even though your brother is not a church goer at this moment in his life, his Catholic tradition might find much in this. Bernardin was an amazing man and this is an amazing journal. Even if your brother himself could or would not read this at this time, perhaps you might find some important things to share with him. It's available in all the formats from the usual online vendors and can be acquired in a hurry.
  
  Frank
- - February 24, 2013 at 5:06 pm
  - Quote
  buffcody
  Participant
  Hi POW,
  
  I have been off forum pretty much for a while and just saw this post of yours. One thought that struck me as I read this. Have you seen the great book by Cardinal Joseph Bernardin written in the last two months of his life as he was dying of pancreatic cancer, "The Gift of Peace"? Even though your brother is not a church goer at this moment in his life, his Catholic tradition might find much in this. Bernardin was an amazing man and this is an amazing journal. Even if your brother himself could or would not read this at this time, perhaps you might find some important things to share with him. It's available in all the formats from the usual online vendors and can be acquired in a hurry.
  
  Frank
- - February 24, 2013 at 5:06 pm
  - Quote
  buffcody
  Participant
  Hi POW,
  
  I have been off forum pretty much for a while and just saw this post of yours. One thought that struck me as I read this. Have you seen the great book by Cardinal Joseph Bernardin written in the last two months of his life as he was dying of pancreatic cancer, "The Gift of Peace"? Even though your brother is not a church goer at this moment in his life, his Catholic tradition might find much in this. Bernardin was an amazing man and this is an amazing journal. Even if your brother himself could or would not read this at this time, perhaps you might find some important things to share with him. It's available in all the formats from the usual online vendors and can be acquired in a hurry.
  
  Frank
- - February 26, 2013 at 2:02 pm
  - Quote
  POW
  Participant
  Thanks to all of you so warmly sharing your advice and experiences, my "last visit" with my brother went extremely well– much better than I expected. You really helped!
  
  Most of you suggested that I let my brother set the tone and the pace of our discussions and that is what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, that's not quite possible with my brother because one of his brain mets is pressing against the languge center in his brain– both speech and writing. So although he can understand everything you say, he can only respond with a "Yes" or "No" or sometimes a single word. So he can't initiate any discussions. However, I did gently bring up the 2 or 3 things I specifically wanted to talk about and by playing "20 Questions" he was able to communicate to me what he wanted to communicate. I was surprised that he didn't dive away from the emotional or spiritual discussions and he was unusually patient with the "20 Questions" approach (usually he throws up his hands in frustration after 30 seconds, but this time he stuck with it), so I think he really did want to make his wishes known about these topics. I am probably the only one in the world who would be able to have even this limited degree of communication with him, so I am very glad that I took this time to visit and converse.
  
  But overall, the visit was not heavy or emotional. Most of the time we just hung out while we watched TV or I chattered on about family gossip or current events. One day I took him to visit some of his best friends and we sat around drinking beer and talking about sailing. My brother got a little drunk (don't worry, alcohol won't hurt him) and I played a CD of his favorite Irish band in the car on the ride back to the nursing home and he was having a ball. Another day I sent away his dinner tray and went out and got a pizza and we sat in his room eating pizza and watching eposides of his favorite old TV program on a DVD I brought him.
  
  Casagrayson recommended the book "Final Gifts". I highly recommend this book to everyone.Since I don't have a Kindle, I was not able to download and read the book instantly. However, I did read several excerpts of the book on the Internet and a couple of interviews with the author so I got the general idea of what the book was suggesting. One of the things I did because of this reading was to tell my brother that it was OK for him to let go.
  
  I told him how much I appreciated his amazing fight to "beat the beast" for so many months. The extra 6 months he got allowed the family to come to terms emotionally with the diagnosis. It also allowed him to work with us to settle his affairs and now everything is taken care of which, as his executor, is a load off my mind. I thanked him again for giving us the opportunity to make as smooth a transition as possible. And I told him that he should know that we are all going to be OK in the future and he should allow himself let go when his time comes. He seemed somewhat relieved on hearing that.
  
  I don't know if this will really be my "last visit" or not. Nobody knows, of course, when the end will come and it may just happen that I do get to see him again. But I feel very good about taking this time to have a warm, relaxed visit focused just on him and to address some of the deep topics that we wouldn't ordinarily address. There are no loose ends or regrets about things left unsaid. Thank you all again for supporting me through this.
- - February 26, 2013 at 2:02 pm
  - Quote
  POW
  Participant
  Thanks to all of you so warmly sharing your advice and experiences, my "last visit" with my brother went extremely well– much better than I expected. You really helped!
  
  Most of you suggested that I let my brother set the tone and the pace of our discussions and that is what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, that's not quite possible with my brother because one of his brain mets is pressing against the languge center in his brain– both speech and writing. So although he can understand everything you say, he can only respond with a "Yes" or "No" or sometimes a single word. So he can't initiate any discussions. However, I did gently bring up the 2 or 3 things I specifically wanted to talk about and by playing "20 Questions" he was able to communicate to me what he wanted to communicate. I was surprised that he didn't dive away from the emotional or spiritual discussions and he was unusually patient with the "20 Questions" approach (usually he throws up his hands in frustration after 30 seconds, but this time he stuck with it), so I think he really did want to make his wishes known about these topics. I am probably the only one in the world who would be able to have even this limited degree of communication with him, so I am very glad that I took this time to visit and converse.
  
  But overall, the visit was not heavy or emotional. Most of the time we just hung out while we watched TV or I chattered on about family gossip or current events. One day I took him to visit some of his best friends and we sat around drinking beer and talking about sailing. My brother got a little drunk (don't worry, alcohol won't hurt him) and I played a CD of his favorite Irish band in the car on the ride back to the nursing home and he was having a ball. Another day I sent away his dinner tray and went out and got a pizza and we sat in his room eating pizza and watching eposides of his favorite old TV program on a DVD I brought him.
  
  Casagrayson recommended the book "Final Gifts". I highly recommend this book to everyone.Since I don't have a Kindle, I was not able to download and read the book instantly. However, I did read several excerpts of the book on the Internet and a couple of interviews with the author so I got the general idea of what the book was suggesting. One of the things I did because of this reading was to tell my brother that it was OK for him to let go.
  
  I told him how much I appreciated his amazing fight to "beat the beast" for so many months. The extra 6 months he got allowed the family to come to terms emotionally with the diagnosis. It also allowed him to work with us to settle his affairs and now everything is taken care of which, as his executor, is a load off my mind. I thanked him again for giving us the opportunity to make as smooth a transition as possible. And I told him that he should know that we are all going to be OK in the future and he should allow himself let go when his time comes. He seemed somewhat relieved on hearing that.
  
  I don't know if this will really be my "last visit" or not. Nobody knows, of course, when the end will come and it may just happen that I do get to see him again. But I feel very good about taking this time to have a warm, relaxed visit focused just on him and to address some of the deep topics that we wouldn't ordinarily address. There are no loose ends or regrets about things left unsaid. Thank you all again for supporting me through this.
- - February 26, 2013 at 2:02 pm
  - Quote
  POW
  Participant
  Thanks to all of you so warmly sharing your advice and experiences, my "last visit" with my brother went extremely well– much better than I expected. You really helped!
  
  Most of you suggested that I let my brother set the tone and the pace of our discussions and that is what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, that's not quite possible with my brother because one of his brain mets is pressing against the languge center in his brain– both speech and writing. So although he can understand everything you say, he can only respond with a "Yes" or "No" or sometimes a single word. So he can't initiate any discussions. However, I did gently bring up the 2 or 3 things I specifically wanted to talk about and by playing "20 Questions" he was able to communicate to me what he wanted to communicate. I was surprised that he didn't dive away from the emotional or spiritual discussions and he was unusually patient with the "20 Questions" approach (usually he throws up his hands in frustration after 30 seconds, but this time he stuck with it), so I think he really did want to make his wishes known about these topics. I am probably the only one in the world who would be able to have even this limited degree of communication with him, so I am very glad that I took this time to visit and converse.
  
  But overall, the visit was not heavy or emotional. Most of the time we just hung out while we watched TV or I chattered on about family gossip or current events. One day I took him to visit some of his best friends and we sat around drinking beer and talking about sailing. My brother got a little drunk (don't worry, alcohol won't hurt him) and I played a CD of his favorite Irish band in the car on the ride back to the nursing home and he was having a ball. Another day I sent away his dinner tray and went out and got a pizza and we sat in his room eating pizza and watching eposides of his favorite old TV program on a DVD I brought him.
  
  Casagrayson recommended the book "Final Gifts". I highly recommend this book to everyone.Since I don't have a Kindle, I was not able to download and read the book instantly. However, I did read several excerpts of the book on the Internet and a couple of interviews with the author so I got the general idea of what the book was suggesting. One of the things I did because of this reading was to tell my brother that it was OK for him to let go.
  
  I told him how much I appreciated his amazing fight to "beat the beast" for so many months. The extra 6 months he got allowed the family to come to terms emotionally with the diagnosis. It also allowed him to work with us to settle his affairs and now everything is taken care of which, as his executor, is a load off my mind. I thanked him again for giving us the opportunity to make as smooth a transition as possible. And I told him that he should know that we are all going to be OK in the future and he should allow himself let go when his time comes. He seemed somewhat relieved on hearing that.
  
  I don't know if this will really be my "last visit" or not. Nobody knows, of course, when the end will come and it may just happen that I do get to see him again. But I feel very good about taking this time to have a warm, relaxed visit focused just on him and to address some of the deep topics that we wouldn't ordinarily address. There are no loose ends or regrets about things left unsaid. Thank you all again for supporting me through this.